


A Conflict Within One's Self

by TheFlashpoint



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Comfort, Conflict, Hurt/Comfort, Internal Conflict, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sort of at least? I mean I would assume Julian has some form of it, Wordcount: Over 1.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 17:45:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17944250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFlashpoint/pseuds/TheFlashpoint
Summary: In which Julian Albert is facing a conflict within himself and needs to open up about it, even if its a small step to recovery in the end.





	A Conflict Within One's Self

**Author's Note:**

> Freya was a OC specifically made for this fic alone as a friend for Julian. Considering he never mentions any to the team, I had to make one up and well...there she is. I initially intended on using Nate Haywood due to a small headcanon of mine, but went against this as his personality just didn't work for the situation. Thus Freya was born and I hope you enjoy her qvq

Julian had collapsed on Freya’s couch the second she let him into her home. He was soaked, luggage tossed to the side as he coughed and heaved for breath. Clearly he’d caught some sort of cold making his way here. She didn’t really understand why he was even here to begin with, only ever last hearing from him when he left for America without another word. Freya wanted to be mad he even thought it was okay to come to her place without warning, but the better part of her told her she should help him.    
  
So she did.   
  
He stayed at her place for four months without a single explanation. No matter what she asked, he turned the questions down and quickly changed the subject to something else. He didn’t speak of his job, any new friends, nothing. Almost as if he’d been afraid to do so in fear of someone coming to hurt him had he opened his mouth.    
  
Freya had known Julian for years, ever since he’d started to look into taking up a job as a Historian. It was odd to see him so...quiet. Before, he’d been willing to always open up to her about something on his mind, be it the break up of his family, or the lost sister he talked of ever so rarely. He’d never come to her in such a state as this, without a single word of anything.    
  
One night however, something must have snapped and caused him to just open up about everything. They’d been sitting on Freya’s couch watching Twilight Zone (One of Freya’s personal favorite shows, not so much for Julian) when he spoke up after at least a hour of silence.   
  
“Freya…” he started, hesitant on what he really wanted to say. “I’ve been having a bit of a quarrel with myself. For months I’ve debated on telling you what went on back in Central City, and for months I’ve told myself it was just best not to tell you because you are currently really my only friend in this vast world of people.”   
  
“That's a very romantic way to put it.”   
  
“I’m not trying to make it sound romantic, sorry.” Julian laughed awkwardly, shaking his head while trying to regain his train of thought. “I did some very bad things in that city Freya. Things I’m not proud of, things I never will be proud of. Most of these things they...well they’ve seemed to have caused me to have quite the conflict within myself. I can’t...I don’t know if I’m a good person.”    
  
“Well it depends then, what things did you do that you regret? Perhaps if you explain a bit better we could try and figure out how to pull you out of this little quarrel with yourself together.” Freya suggested. Oh if only it was that easy for Julian to explain. With a deep breath and a quickening heart rate, he began.    
  
Starting from the finding of the stone, why he’d fled in fear of being blamed for the deaths of those people and how he wasn’t even sure how he’d escaped in the first place. Every word he spilled slowly became more and more frantic, fearful, and broken.   
  
He paused, taking a deep, shaky breath, and turned to face Freya. “I don’t remember being Alchemy, if that makes any difference, but that doesn’t make me fear any less that I might become him again. This conflict I’ve been having with myself has been eating at me ever since I came back Freya. It haunts me to this day. After what I witnessed there, everything I did. I know Savitar can’t use me anymore, there's no way he can since he was...erased, but the lingering feeling just...it stays. I don’t know how to fix it. How to stop being so afraid of something that won't happen again.”   
  
Freya thought on the situation. Thought hard about what Julian had told her and kept quiet the entire time until she was sure he was done explaining. She wanted to fear him, really truly fear this man who’d killed others even if he never intended on it, but something held her back and instead she decided the best course of action was maybe to try and help. Or attempt to at least lighten the mood.    
  
“Jeez that’s...I mean damn Julian thats a lot of baggage to unpack at twelve in the morning.” She half heartedly laughed, “You really did all that while you were gone? Is that why you didn’t contact me for so long?”   
  
Julian nodded, looking away again to fiddle with the sleeve of his shirt. It made Freya want to laugh a little, she hadn’t seen Julian this nervous before since lord knew when. Gently, she placed her hand on his and made him look to her once more. “Look. I don’t know who you were back there in America, and I sure as hell won’t fully understand this meta human business you’re talking about, but Julian? Fear and doubt is only the first step to coming to terms with the fact that it can’t happen again. What you did then, what that man made you do? That doesn’t define who you currently are.”   
  
“Well not to you, no, but to the people back in Central City? The ones who knew?”   
  
“Fuck those people Julian! If they think you’re some crazed killer because someone totally took over your mind and body then they sure as hell need to think over their system better. I know you. You’re a disgruntled historian with a stick up his ass maybe fifty percent of the time and really love your work. You care for people deeply only when you’ve let them through your wall of anger to really get to know them, and sometimes that's a vulnerable part of you, along with your getting frustrated at so many things all the time. If I know anything, even if this ‘Savitar’ guy did come back? Well he’d sure as hell have to fight before getting the best of you again.”    


The enthusiasm within Freya’s own voice seemed to have worked for making things less tense. Julian kept quiet, staring at her for a few more seconds until he simply just nodded and turned back to the since quieted show. Freya assumed that was that and that Julian probably wouldn't talk to her about it again for another few weeks. 

He yawned, laying his head slightly atop hers, eyes drooping with sleep and all attempts to pay attention gone. “You really are a good friend Freya.”

“It's what I'm here for.”

“Promise me that you won't tell anyone of what I’ve told you?”

She thought on this request, silent falling over both of them aside from the soft hum of the TV. Julian was fully asleep now, the stress of the situation taking what energy he had left and draining it. After she was sure he wasn’t listening, she quietly whispered;

“Your secrets safe with me.”

**Author's Note:**

> The fic isn't particularly one of my favorites and could be improved upon, but it is what it is.  
> This particular bit of writing was done for the Flash Writer's Club within The Flash Amino, the prompt having been 'Facing Conflict' for the month of February. 
> 
> I'd originally planned to do something Eddie related, but after a couple attempts and deep thought, I decided to switch gears and writing something Julian instead. So enjoy!! I'll go back and fix minor errors later on when I catch em'.


End file.
